Funky
by Synvamp
Summary: Qrow x Clover - Funny, fluffy, sexy, crackfic I wrote by accident. Going out dancing for a first date sounds lovely, but what if you're joined by a dozen or so junior huntsmen and huntresses?


-xxx-

Qrow walked into the mess hall, he was late for dinner again. Another long day trying to keep Mantle safe. Oh, and attempting to wrestle Jimmy back from the brink of whatever insanity he was contemplating next.

_I'm starting to remember why I worked alone._

The noise and bustle in the large room brought him back to himself. Despite everything, having the kids around wasn't so bad. He felt like they kept him young… hopeful.

"Pull!" Nora shouted.

Jaune threw a bread roll in the air and Yang sent it hurtling towards his head with a spinning back kick.

"Hey!" he called out, whipping harbinger from behind his back. The roll exploded in a shower of breadcrumbs, most of which landed in his hair.

"Uncle Qrow! Uncle Qrow!" Ruby shouted. She slammed into his side, firmly attaching herself to his arm. He lifted her to eye level,

"Yes?"

"Canwegoouttonight?!"

"Can you maybe try that again?" Qrow grinned.

"Can we…"

"Yes…" Qrow nodded.

"Go…"

"Uh huh…" 

"OUT TONIGHT!? ARGH the Ace Ops are going dancing and they said we could come if we don't get in too much trouble!"

"Well I guess you'll be staying in then," he drawled, putting her back down.

"No! Come on!" Ruby pouted.

"Pull!" Nora shouted.

He held harbinger in front of his face and sliced the roll neatly in half.

_Dancing?_ Qrow sighed. He liked dancing, sure. He liked clubs. He liked pubs. That was pretty much the problem. Anywhere there was top shelf, he was happy. If the team went then he should go too… even though the Ace Ops seemed nice, it wasn't responsible to just send a bunch of teenagers out on the town.

"Pull!" Nora shouted.

This time Yang gave it a good solid punch. "Can you just stop it!?" Qrow growled as a flaming bread stick flew past his head.

Ren appeared behind him and snatched the breadstick out of the air. He waved it until it went out then took a cautious bite. He nodded, "Toasty."

"It's ok if we can't go…" Ruby said, looking up at him with those huge eyes…

_Goddamnit._

"Alright, alright," he sighed.

"YES!" Yang pumped a fist in the air and Ruby literally jumped for joy.

"Dancing queen…" Marrow sung, gyrating his hips.

"I don't know why you're so excited, I'm sure the clubs in Mantle leave something to be desired," Weiss sniffed.

"Come on, Weiss! We have to figure out what to wear!" Ruby grabbed her less-than-enthusiastic teammate and hauled her bodily out of the room.

"I suppose it could be a nice change," Blake mused.

Yang was already dancing out the door.

"FROCKTACULAR!" Nora shouted, bounding past. "Thank you!" she shouted back in Qrow's general direction.

Qrow felt a hand on his shoulder, he turned expecting one last roll to hit him in the face but it was…

_Oh._

_Clover._

"Hey," Clover smiled, "Sorry about that. I didn't get here until they were well into their scheming."

"Uh, it's ok," Qrow muttered, feeling the heat from Clover's palm permeating his shoulder.

Clover looked at him with those expressive pools of green, "I can go with them instead if you like. I don't want to make things hard for you."

_Hard for me?_

Qrow suddenly realised what Clover meant. _That stupid comment about giving up drinking! Why was the guy always so damn insightful?!_

"I… it will be fine," he said, looking down. Willing it to be true.

The warm fingers curled on his shoulder, firm and reassuring. "How about I come along to help keep you distracted? Always thought with legs like that you must be a hell of a dancer."

Qrow blinked.

"Uh… I got some moves," he blustered.

"I bet you do," Clover let his hand fall, "So, meet you back here at eight? Don't want to keep them up too late."

"Uh… yeah… sounds good," Qrow managed.

"And you've got a little…" Clover reached out and ruffled Qrow's hair. Breadcrumbs rained.

"Uh yeah… thanks."

"So, see you at eight then," Clover gave his trademark salute and sauntered off.

"He is not so bad a dancer either, you know," Elm said, grinning as she went past.

Qrow blinked again.

_Wait… what just happened?_

_Am I… going dancing with Clover?_

_SOBER?_

_Nononononononononono_

_Oh no._

-xxx-

The lights swirled, music soared, people swayed.

It was a small club but pretty loud. Fun, young, colourful. Made you feel your heart in your chest, that was for sure.

Qrow leaned in a dark corner and smiled. It was nice to see the kids enjoying themselves. Blake looked on in polite amusement while Yang threw some crazy shapes. Ruby, Weiss and Marrow twisted with varying degrees of elegance and enthusiasm. Elm and Jaune had ended up in some kind of dance off, which Nora and Ren were judging. Harriet and Vine were propping up the bar and looking out at the undulating sea of dancers with the practised eyes of devoted people watchers everywhere.

Qrow sipped his lemonade, a little jealous. He had hoped that once he got here, some kind of psychosomatic effect would make him feel tipsy or _something_... but no matter how much lemonade he drank it just didn't feel like vodka.

"Wow, she sure has some energy," Clover laughed, looking over to where Yang had flipped onto her hands.

"Ah, to be young…" Qrow muttered.

"Nup, not having any of that from you," Clover grinned, "You're only as young as you feel."

"You're really not helping," Qrow grumbled. Sober in a nightclub full of teenagers, he felt approximately a thousand years old.

_What is this music anyway?_

Clover shook his head, "You sound like a man in need of a distraction. Come on, I'm pretty sure I can throw down with the best of them. Let's teach Jaune some moves!"

"Uh… you go. I'm right here thanks."

"Ok but I warn you, once you see me on the dance floor, you might not ever be able to look at me the same way again," Clover gave him a wink and strutted off.

There was an eruption of laughter as Jaune tried some break dancing and tripped Elm over. The rolling ball of limbs had taken Marrow out too and the three of them were just laughing in a heap.

"Alley oop," Clover said, lifting Jaune off the ground with one defined arm. "Come on you two," he grinned down at Elm and Marrow, "Make way for a professional."

"OOooooOOOOoooohhh," Nora said, "It's on!" she leapt onto the dance floor and faced Clover, "Mano a mano! Let's go pretty boy!"

What followed was definitely not what Qrow was expecting. Nora picked a dance move and Clover copied it then vice versa. They twisted, gang signed and funky chickened their way from one side of the dance floor to the other. Even Blake ended up laughing. Qrow could tell that Clover knew how to move but he wasn't trying to show off. In fact, it looked like he was being deliberately dorky as he mashed potatoed his way back to Ren for his score.

His outfit certainly said sex bomb (_tight_ black pants, red arm band and a dark blue sleeveless top which proclaimed FUNK ME in large white letters) but his version of the robot said grandpa's night out.

"So, you going to ask him to dance?" a voice spoke at his elbow.

"Wha?" Qrow jumped, noticing Yang for the first time.

"Dance. You. Clover. You can't just stare at him all night."

"Yes I can," Qrow challenged. _Damn it. Didn't think I was that obvious._

Yang laughed, "Well don't."

Qrow grumbled, "I'm not going to ask him to dance. Look at him," he looked wistfully at Clover; young, buff and ridiculously hot… "He does not need some old creep pestering him."

"Ren said he asked you out!"

"He offered to come along with us, it's not the same."

"I'm_ sure _he only offered because you were coming. It's totally the same," she nodded with authority.

"It's not. Anyway, he wouldn't want to dance with me…"

"He is _literally _wearing a t-shirt that says Funk Me. So either he wants to dance.."

"Yes, thank you!" Qrow butted in.

Yang laughed, "Don't just stand there! You'll regret it!" she called out as she strode out into the middle of the dance floor.

Qrow looked down at the sweating glass in his hands. He lifted his eyes to the laughing, swaying mass of people before him. Maybe she was right. Sometimes you just have to take a chance… they were all being so stupid… it couldn't hurt to join in.

He put the glass down, feeling momentarily naked without it… then he flicked his collar up and put his best strut on.

"May I have this dance?" Qrow said, extending a hand ballroom dancing style.

"Why of course," Clover grinned. "Always delighted get up close and personal with Remnant's finest."

Clover stepped forward and put his hand on Qrow's waist. "Nuh-uh," Qrow shook his head, lifting Clover's hand and putting it on his shoulder, "I lead."

"Well, alright then," Clover grinned.

"Dip him! Dip him!" Nora shouted.

Qrow laughed. It took him a second to get his rhythm in the pumping music but not long. He clasped Clover around the waist and led him into a simple waltz. He was quite a responsive dance partner, moving where the gentle pressure from Qrow's hand directed him. Pretty soon they were laughing with the crowd of giggling teenagers as Qrow spun Clover away and pulled him back into his waiting arms.

The closeness of Clover's body was a little intoxicating. He could see a light sheen of fresh sweat making his skin glow; his hands were warm, one on Qrow's shoulder and the other clasping Qrow's own. As they moved, sometimes their chests brushed together and Qrow was starting to get a little hot under the collar himself. He turned and dipped Clover elegantly, Nora burst into applause which made them both laugh. The track ended and the next one came into the cross fade. Qrow slowly wound to a stop. They stood there for just a few seconds longer than was strictly necessary, gazing into each other's eyes.

Qrow stepped back and dropped his hands, feeling a little awkward.

"I knew you could move!" Clover laughed, "That was a lot of fun, thank you."

"Come on Uncle Qrow! Show him your spin thing!" Ruby shouted over the music.

"Nah, it's just a.."

"Show him! It's so cool!"

Qrow pirouetted on the spot and then struck a pose.

"EEEeeee! You're the best!" Ruby squealed, totally loving the moves a lot more than anyone should.

"Very fly," Clover laughed, leaning over so Qrow could hear him.

"Yeah but I can't keep up with your hips when you do the sprinkler," Qrow grinned back.

"I had hoped that you saw that," Clover said, winking.

"I'm pretty sure everyone in the club saw it." It had been _quite _the shimmy.

"Yeah, I don't care about them so much," Clover shrugged.

Qrow felt the heat rising in his cheeks, "Well, I'm just going to.." he muttered, pointing to his rather cosy looking dark corner.

"Mind if I join you?"

Qrow shrugged back and they made their way through the crowd. They chatted together for an hour or so, Qrow leaning in to hear what Clover was saying. They found a kind of easy banter. Clover didn't mind talking about work, but Qrow did. They both enjoyed talking about weapons and old war stories. Qrow liked reading but Clover didn't. It was fun to just explore each other. Qrow's mind kept wandering back to the feeling of Clover's amazing abs under his top. How his hips had swayed to the rhythm of Qrow's own…

"Well good for them," Clover said.

Qrow realised he'd tuned out a little and looked up in surprise to see Jaune pashing Marrow.

"Didn't see that one coming," Qrow grinned.

"I guess it's different now…" Clover started.

"What do you mean?" 

"Well… when I was going through the academy, I certainly wouldn't have wanted my team mates to know I was gay."

Qrow blinked.

The noise from the rest of the club seemed to fade. _Say something Qrow! _"Uh… It's good that people are more accepting now, hey? I guess I always had a bit of an advantage cause I… also like women…"

"Hiding in plain sight, hey? I just got really, really horny," Clover laughed puffs of hot air on Qrow's ear and a shiver went all the way to his groin.

"Are things… better for you now?" Qrow asked, not even sure what answer he wanted.

"I guess so… I mean my work colleagues all know now so I don't have to do all that 'don't ask don't tell' crap but… there's not much time for romance in the military."

Qrow looked up into those perfect green eyes, "Yeah," he squeaked, "I know…"

Clover leaned a little further over and Qrow just tilted his chin and then before he knew it there were hot lips on his. He melted into the kiss and one of his hands somehow found its way around Clover's waist, pulling them both together.

"You are a terrible chaperone," Elm's voice boomed beside them.

Qrow jumped and broke the kiss, flustered.

"You are meant to be stopping all this sexy time, not starting it," she grinned.

"Hey, let a man live a little!" Clover protested. "Anyway, they're all…" he looked over to where the kids were and his eyes widened. Jaune and Marrow were getting quite… uh…. heated. "Ho no… haha I guess we should get a bucket of cold water," he laughed.

"Maybe two," Elm wiggled her eyebrows.

Clover finally lifted his arms from Qrow's shoulders. "I'm sorry but I guess it's time we wrapped things up."

"Yeah, probably for the best," Qrow said to his shoes.

Clover leaned in closer, "Let me walk you back after we get these horny boys into _separate _beds."

Qrow just nodded at his boots.

Clover strode off, hands held high, "Ok then! Midnight everyone, pumpkin time! Let's wrap it on up."

"Awwww!" Nora whinged. She'd been very much enjoying the show by the looks of things.

After a few complaints and a rather hilarious attempt to separate the new lovers (OK just until we get back to the barracks, then separate rooms!), they managed to get everyone back to Atlas in one happy, sleepy piece.

"Thank you, Uncle Qrow… that was really fun," Ruby said, clasping his waist.

"No worries kiddo," he grinned ruffling her hair, "Now bed."

"Yeah yeah…" she muttered, rubbing her eyes as the door closed behind her.

"So…" Clover said behind him, "Would you like to head out again?" 

"Nah… think I've had enough clubbing for… the rest of my life."

Clover laughed, "Fair enough." He stepped forward and Qrow turned, "Would you like to come back to mine? I have some dark chocolate ice cream which is completely amazing."

"Ice cream!?" Qrow gaped at the man who spent a night out in the snow with no sleeves on.

"You could just have coffee if you like," one of Clover's hands reached for his waist and Qrow's body just moved into the embrace all by itself.

"I do like coffee…" the heat of Clover's chest against his own made his heart race.

Clover's strong hands grasped his hips and pulled him into a kiss. His own searching fingers snuck under Clover's top and found those incredible abs. The other hand knew exactly where it was going, clamping on to the hard mound of muscle that was that spectacular ass.

"I can teach you to shimmy if you like," Clover breathed, twitching his hips into Qrow's own, "What do you say?"

"Mmmmm," Qrow moaned, "_Funk Me_."

-xxx-


End file.
